not only feel unheard but unseen as well. It’s one of those in-between
stages of HD that slowly creeps up on you. At one time in my life I was
listened to and my words were regarded as relevant and significant. My
presence was important. My opinion was valued.
thought that came into my head. My emotions become uncontrollable and my life began to
spiral. So did the validity of my words and actions. I was losing impulse control and the respect
that comes with self-control. My whole identity was in question.
I have changed my mind constantly about important issues in my life, where to live or work; great
business ideas that never get off the ground, selling everything I own numerous times or simply
giving it all away. To me it always seemed like a good idea. To my family it was irrational and
destructive. I would always look back and regret the decisions I had made or try to find some
good that had possibly come out of them to make myself feel better. Because if I didn’t the
shame and guilt was simply too much to bear.
I am grateful that afterward I would be able to see what I had done and recognize that it was not
a good decision at the time. It’s painful to recognize and impossible to make up to the people
who have been hurt by those decisions. Saying sorry doesn’t mean as much when the same
things happen again and again. One day I may not recognize the consequences of the decisions
I’ve made and sorry will no longer be heard from my lips. But as long as I am able to recognize
my mistakes and say the words I will. It’s a good thing. No, I can’t control the randomness and
obsessions and compulsiveness, but by saying those two words I can tell the people around me
that they are valuable to me.
We place value on people through the decisions they make and the stability of their emotions and
commitment of their lives. We believe that value comes from great achievements and heroic acts.
The way a person looks or acts can provoke feelings of ridicule and disgust or respect and
admiration. People who suffer with HD usually know both sides of life. Living life with dignity and
respect until the devastation begins. Along with the depression that comes with HD, it now
becomes the perfect storm for despair to grow and for giving up.
What of the value of human life? Every life has extreme worth in God’s eyes. How do you explain
the soul realm, the spirit within, the love that keeps on loving even when unlovable things are
being said and done? What possible way is there to have a connection with another human soul
that does not waver no matter what the cost?
I have just finished reading The Hiding Place again, the story of the Ten Boom family and their
life in Holland under Nazi rule. They were a strong Christian family who made the decision to
hide the Jewish people from the Nazis. They were caught and imprisoned and sent to a
concentration camp. Corrie Ten Boom was the only survivor. She went on to preach God’s love
and forgiveness for many years afterward even after all she had seen and suffered. This family
like many others went from being valued, respectable members of society to entering the very
essence of hell as they lived in filth and felt the disgust and contempt for their very existence
under the rule and torment of the German soldiers.
In those soldier’s eyes they were less than human, inferior and undeserving of life. Who is given
such authority to say such things when God has given us life and has said YOU are valuable! To
God we are as valuable as His only Son who left the riches and Majesty of His Kingdom and
became a pauper to live among us. He has lived where we live and felt what we felt. He
sympathizes with our weaknesses and infirmities. He who knew no sin became sin for us making
the sinful the righteous children of God. That is where I live. I live in the belief of the spiritual,
that we are spirit beings living for a short time in these earthly vessels. I made a decision to build
up my spirit because that is the most important part of me. Yes I live in this world but we are not
of this world. That is why the Ten Boom family could be willing to lay down their lives for people
they didn’t even know and forgive the most horrific of crimes against them and those they loved.
Our connection with our Heavenly Father is a spiritual connection. No disease, no torment, no
affliction, rejection, or betrayal can take that from me. My victory is in knowing Jesus. That is why
I can have joy here on this earth in an untrustworthy body that is breaking down and turning on
me every day. I have value. You have value. We are the same. Loved and treasured by God. He
has given us life and spirits that can never be broken as we stay connected to Him. Spiritually, I
don’t feel joy and peace every day. I simply talk to God and tell him everything. He gave His only
Son so that we could. And He loves us just the way we are. That’s the way He wants us to love
each other. It may be impossible to do in our own strength and ability but God will give us what
we need when we ask; even the ability to recognize our own true worth and identity in the middle
of what seems to be the perfect storm.
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